Top Secrets to Keeping Your Marriage Strong After Having Children (Especially Twins!)
After having been married for 17 years with six children, I can firmly say that marriage isn’t easy. It is a huge achievement – yes – but to say it has been perfect would be a lie.
If you’re here, then you’re likely married with children. So you already know that it’s hard work.
Take a look at this alarming statistic:
I’m here to be honest with you in every post I share. My husband and I love each other more than ever, but have we always liked each other? No.
Have we gone to bed upset at each other (even though the older generation would say not to do that, lol)? Yes.
Add children to the mix, and it gets even more difficult.
First off, know that children can disrupt the marriage for many reasons:
- You don’t have open lines of communication.
- You have different ideas on child rearing and can’t agree on the point at hand.
- One (or both) of you is suffering from sleep deprivation.
- You’re taking out your frustration and placing it on your spouse.
- Do any of these sound familiar?
These are so familiar to me, and I still struggle with them.
But despite those things, we’ve managed to keep our marriage strong even after having multiple children, and here’s how:
I’m thankful for the opportunities to forgive and for choosing to do so. It’s not easy, but it can bring peace to your relationship.
If you both choose to forgive each other, then you can overcome the difficult moments.
Managing children isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to make marriage miserable.
Ever heard of a couple saying they said something they shouldn’t because they were tired?
Yep, that was most definitely us. Twins put us in a new state of mind because we were sleep deprived, and we didn’t like each other very much for many days (and nights!).
Make more time for each other
It’s so easy to get caught up in caring for your children that your marriage gets neglected.
Ever been in the house the entire day and realized you barely talked to your spouse because you were so busy taking care of the kids or the home?
If you let it go on for too long, one of you (or both) will start to feel neglected.
Don’t forget about your spouse.
Make a point to at least say good morning to each other first thing in the morning. Hug each other and kiss to start your day off right.
Remember to be affectionate and romantic – you both need it!
My husband and I enjoy talking after the kids go to bed. It’s our time to catch up.
Go on dates alone
If you have help with your children, I highly recommend going on dates. Some couples can go out weekly, but we get out when we can.
Figure out how much you want to go out and try to stick to it. It will be worthwhile to reconnect and remember why you love each other.
Each time I go out with my husband, I feel like we’re dating all over again.
Give each other space
Maybe this sounds counterintuitive, but I feel like if we can spend time alone, we can be better for our spouses.
If your spouse has a hobby he enjoys, try to give him his space to do that, and you do the same.
My husband enjoys his time at the gym, and I enjoy writing and spending time on my business.
When we get to reconnect with each other, we’re both happier because we were able to do something we enjoyed on our own.
How many times have you heard this for any marriage? Communication is so important!
This is not something that happens overnight. For my husband and I, we have grown in this over time and continue to do so.
It can be a matter of recognizing when the other is irritable or frustrated for whatever reason and learning to leave them alone or communicate to understand what is bothering them.
Many times for me, it’s lack of sleep or just feeling overwhelmed. If my husband asks me why I’m upset, or I can communicate why I’m upset, he can chip in and help out a little more.
Communication is also so important when it comes down to finances. Having kids can be expensive. When unexpected expenses arise, it can be easy to get frustrated.
Sometimes, it can be hard to avoid miscommunication. One of you didn’t hear the other, or you don’t remember that the other person said something.
When that happens, that’s when forgiveness comes in.
Give Eachother Breaks
Outside of our hobbies, we understand that we need breaks from our kids, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for needing a break, either.
My husband knows that by the end of the week or the weekend, I need to get out of the house.
Even if I’m making a trip to the grocery store, I need to get out, so he watches the kids while I run errands.
This is our way of helping one another relieve the stress we get from our kids.
Ask your spouse if there is anything you can do to help him get a break, and you can ask the same from him. If you’re both in this together, it shouldn’t be too hard for both of you to agree on this.
Sometimes, I don’t leave the house – I need a nap. Again, it goes back to communication and giving time for your spouse to have that time to be alone.
Discuss child-rearing practices
Both of you grew up in two completely different households, so your child-rearing practices may not always align.
I’m here to say that’s okay, too. There is a great amount of wisdom needed to raise a child, and quite often you have to make quick decisions.
But it doesn’t always mean you two have to disagree so much that it’s making you resentful.
Try to discuss your feelings with your spouse in private. Could a situation with your child have been handled differently by your spouse? What did you disagree with, and how can you better prepare for a future situation?
Right now, we’re in the thick of raising teenagers, so agreeing on discipline can be really difficult because situations get so complex.
You’re dealing with a strong-willed young adult rather than a small toddler; you see typical patterns when they are small, like climbing and tantrums, etc. Either way, it can still hard to to learn to find a middle ground no matter the age of your child.
Try talking to each other about what you’d like to see happen or not happen and learn to talk it out.
This truly can be the marriage healthier and stronger. No marriage is perfect, especially after having children. But, if you start using these top 8 tips after having children, it can remain strong.
Remember that you are both human, and you are in this together!
In what ways do you and your spouse work together to improve your marriage after having kids? Leave a comment below.